The J Word

I'm not back...

2007-02-08T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm just updating. Two posts ago I hadnt moved in to Oklahoma hall yet. Now, it feels like I've been here forever. Thats both good and bad. I love my friends and even some of my classes. And I love the fact that I was able to talk my way into getting 3 waivers signed in order to enroll in classes. Yep, I managed to get them to ignore the fact that I am STILL transcript-less and that I have not paid off last semester's tuition. Yes sir/ma'am I did good. But now that the initial proud-ness wore off I am working non-stop and in class all the time. So if you have been unable to reach me, that is where I am. Currently I should be in bed since it is after 10pm but instead I am working on a paper due at 9am. I normally would have woken up early to finish tomorrow but I work at 7am.

I am writing a stupid book review. I hate book reviews. At Trinity we had them but they were good. Here I was told I had too many quotes when I had two. Every guide to writing book reviews for history classes says to use evidence. Its kinda what legitimizes your argument. Sorry, went off on that because it pisses me off. It also pisses me off that I only get to write 4 papers this semester even though I'm in 5 history classes. And guess what kind of papers those are...ALL four are book reviews.

Ok, so this post was negative and I'm sorry but I have nothing else on my mind. I just want to wear a cap and gown and have a degree so that I can get a job doing what I want. SWOSU is the school that gave me a chance when Trinity let me go but its not the school that made me fall in love with history. If I had to stay any longer I'd probably switch majors.

And with that let me add that my Creative Writing professor is hot and while engaged to a much younger man she has an HRC sticker on her door so there is hope!

PhotoBlog

2006-08-15T01:22:00.000-04:00

I was looking through some pictures and found these. Thats me in the blue and the other is my Mom. I'm not saying we look identical but its funny that the pose is similar. Oh and fyi, I was 20 in the picture and my mom was somewhere between 20 and 25. Mine was in a dorm room and hers was in a VW Van. Well, that does it for my photoblog. Really I just got kinda bored. Post again before I go to Okie-Town.

Eleven Days and Counting...

2006-08-08T00:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the other night I wrote the post that is right before this simply because I felt like writing and I changed the layout back to the basic blogger look. Now I offer you a much more cheerful post.

I have eleven days before move-in day. AHHH! What am I gonna do? I'm beginning to freak out. I've organized all my notebooks already and even begun reading one book. I've packed some of my winter clothes and all the supplies I bought. I've even taught myself a whole organization system for note-taking, reading, planning research, and studying. It would appear that I am ready to go.

But I haven't been inside a college classroom in almost 9 months. And truth be told, I haven't whole-heartedly done an assignment in about 16 months. This is not to mention the loss of social skills I am sure I have endured since moving out to Texas. Add to that the fact that this will be my first co-ed college experience. Oh my god, I'm not ready...

I've done some research on this school in terms of how a lesbian might do there. The results were inconclusive. I mean, I know they have some small facebook groups for pride type of things. But generally speaking, I have only found 3 lesbians on all of facebook. It seems as though gay guys are pretty popular here but it has been my experience that comparing lesbians and gays is like comparing red apples and green apples. Some people love the red ones but hate the green. If you're lost by this point its ok, its late here and I'm rambling now.

Getting back to my point, I'm freaking out and probably will for the next 11 days. If not longer. I'm ready. I know I am. But these 11 days are going to be the longest 11 days of my life!

I took a Break.

2006-08-05T03:32:00.000-04:00

I'm back. But before you read any further I'm going to tell you right now that this post is going to be candid. For some odd reason, at 2:30 in the morning, I have decided to post. Not because I'm bored but because I need to write. I have things to say that I've only said to a limited audience. Whether anybody reads this is irrelevant to me. And I understand if nobody comments though as always comments are welcome. I just need to write. What I am about to write is completely uncensored and even a little detailed about my experience with domestic violence. It might also be hard to read because its going to be a train of thought, not a well-written and edited blog. Either way, thanks for at least reading this far.
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I had to write tonight. I haven’t felt the need to write in awhile because I do so much writing in or for therapy. But tonight, I need to update this blog with a more accurate picture of me these days. Its more like a review and assessment of my progress so bear with me.

Besides the fact that my hair if freaking long (for me anyway), a lot has changed since my last post. For example, I’m going to school in 2 weeks. I’m nervous. How will I do? What will it be like? Can I handle it? Am I ready? How will it feel to be out on my own again? I’ve been living in my parent’s house for 7 months, almost 8 now. Plus, I’ve been in weekly therapy for 7 months with only missing one week. I love it. It helps so much and I’ve learned a lot. But am I ready?

I re-read my first journal entry dated April 4th. Exactly 4 months ago I bought myself a journal as a part of my writing exercise for therapy. That first entry serves as a milestone. I read it last night and could not believe that my outlook on life had ever been so low. And that was after 3 months of weekly therapy! God, when I first came home I was 15 pounds under-weight and numb to the world. I know, I know, it sounds like some over-dramatic emo-kid comment but its true. I had the fake smile and the rehearsed lines down pat. I ran through them so smoothly that I forgot I had the ability to actually have feelings.

Last week, my therapist encouraged me to find a hero. Someone who had survived domestic violence that I could look up to and relate to. So I did some research but came up with no one. I mean, how often do we actually get to hear about domestic violence in lesbian relationships? As much of a feminist as I am, I am tired of reading books that blame domestic violence mainly on the patriarchy. While that does provide domestic violence with a permanent home in our society, it does NOT cause it. Not all the time anyway. I know. I was abused by a so-called feminist. I never found the hero I was looking for. Instead, anyone who has survived is a hero to me. I know how hard it can be. I remember all the times when I thought it was all over for me. I know what its like to wonder if tonight is the night. I never ever thought I would have to fight to live but now I know what its like. I remember the moment the knife cut through the skin on my collarbone. It stung. I fought hard. Not so much with physical strength or knowledge of how to fight. I fought with support. Even though no one knew what my life was really like, I knew I had support. I fought with the support of my parents, my brother, and my friends. This wasn’t the last time I had to fight to stay alive. It happened again but this time the only weapon was adrenaline. I’ve come to the conclusion that anger and adrenaline can make someone super-human. I remember being dragged down the street by my hair. I remember being punched in the head. I remember being held on the ground so hard the blood from my lip and nose stained the hardwood floor. Its funny because the hardwood floors were the reason we wanted that apartment in the first place.

I also remember breathing in the first breath of air in a place that was safe. I remember wanting to cry when I saw that my friends had furnished a room for me to stay in when I moved back on campus. I remember the first time I genuinely smiled again. While it wasn’t for a while, it was well worth the wait. It was in December and it was like a light-bulb moment. “Keep your chin up, your head has no business being down.” Those were the EXACT words that gave me a reason to genuinely smile for the first time in at least 2 months. Since then, I have had my ups and downs. Flashbacks lasted for about 5 months and each one was hard and disturbing. I’m so glad they are over. My sudden mood swings and bouts of irritability have also gone away for the most part. I am now at a place where I am looking to the future. I cannot change the past so I’ve given up on trying. Now, I don’t even want to. Every experience is a learning experience. Yes, some lessons could be learned a little easier but I’m just grateful to have learned. 11 months after the abuse began I am ready to continue learning. I have dreams again. I have a life to live and as I know all too well, that life needs to be lived. I fought for it so damn it, I’m gonna live it! If you read this, thanks for dealing with me.

I Do Declare...

2006-04-24T23:34:00.000-04:00

It was Homer Simpson in Barney's Bowl-a-Rama with the Extend-o-Glove!!

...Ok, so I've become a fan of the Simpson's version of Clue. Most of you know of my absolute love for ALL boardgames so even though I'm not a huge Simpson's fan (I know, its blasphemy to some of you) I do love this game.

Anyway, I'm writing to you from my most recent Ebay purchase. Its my Compaq Presario 2100 laptop and I've fallen in love with it. I am also currently awaiting my most recent Ebay purchase. It is an awesome shirt with the feminist symbol nice and big near the shoulder!! Can't wait! I'll scan in pics once I get it.

And speaking of clothes, I'm sitting here trying to decide on an outfit for tomorrow's sub job. As is usual it is Special Ed which means one thing: I'm allowed to wear jeans! Score!! Now, if only I had that feminist shirt to wear tomorrow!!

Embracing the Circumstance

2006-03-25T14:47:00.001-05:00

I've decided to embrace Floresville. I like the small-town atmoshpere. Growing up in the 'burbs of LA my whole life, then moving to Washington, D.C. I have never really lived in a town much less a "small-town."
The other day I had the coolest experience ever. Sarah and I were driving down the highway and as we do everyday we drove past about 10 ranches with cows. Well, this time I happened to mention that I wanted to stop and take pictures of the cows. So thats what we did. And let me tell you that it was so cool. I had NEVER been that close to a cow. They're HUUUGGGEEE. We were close enough to touch them. But we didn't because I was scared. They were young bulls so they had no horns but still I was nervous. Maybe next time.
Nature and small-towns almost go hand in hand. The cows and horses are so beautiful. Roosters run up and down my street. Walking to work the other day I saw a rabbit. Most nights you ca't count the number of stars in the sky. And wildflowers are popping up everywhere.
Which reminds me. I've also taken up gardening. I decided it was time I had a nice, quiet, and pretty place to sit outside and read or study or just...sit. So I built flower beds all around the house, around the tree, and a few other places. I had never gardened a day in my life until a few weeks ago but I love it. Its hard, but its worth it.
So, even though I'm living in a town where people think I'm too young to drink but always assume I have kids (seriously folks, people around here pop a couple out at a time starting at the age of 14) I like it.
P.S. Pictures of the cows and the garden will be coming soon.

I'm in Love with Two!

2006-02-28T15:02:00.000-05:00

Last night, before falling asleep on the phone mid-sentance at a ridiculously early time, I forgot to turn my ringer all the way up. This caused me to miss the barage of phone calls offering me sub positions for today, one of which stayed open all day....OOPS! But, since I didn't work I decided to make this day a "ME" day. I studied for my accounting test and I took the longest shower possible. And this is where I fell in love...with a conditioner. Its by Pantene Pro-V and its Classic Care Complete Therapy Conditioner. Now, I've always hated conditioner because it leaves my hair flat but this one provides six ways to healthy hair. They are Shine, Softness, Strength, Body, Less Frizz, and Silkiness. I saw all but the frizz factor because well, I don't have frizz to begin with. I'm sure it works for that too though. Then, I fell in love again. With a shower gel. Its by Garden Botanika and it is Morning Rain scent. It smells beautiful and was the perfect consistancy. Not too foamy, not too watery, just right. Its true. Ok, perhaps I should work more since its these weird little things that entertain me when I don't.

Beat It, Beat It!

2006-02-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, its been another long stretch since my last post and much has changed. I gained some weight. Ok, not just some weight...a lot of weight. So much weight that I look 7 months pregnant. So much weight that I don't fit into ANY of the pants I bought for the new year. So much weight that I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Yes, I'm serious. I tip the scales at 131. In January I was 110. If I stay at this pace, which I won't of course, I will gain over 200 pounds this year...YIKES. But the whole eating disorder thing is not news to me just to other people really. For as long as I can remember I've thrown up my food when depressed or something in that area. I mean, who am I kidding, thats how I got down to 110 in the first place! I went from 118 to 110 in 10 days. And then from 110 to 131 in a month. Apparently I've flipped the eating disorder and now I'm a binge eater. I guess I can agree with that too. Now, I eat past the point of full daily and I even eat things I never liked very much before. Like chocolate...I know, I know, who doesn't like chocolate! ME. At least I didn't used to. But the other night around 1 or so I went and stole the unopened Betty Crocker chocolate frosting container and ate it. The whole thing. Just me, some frosting, and a spoon. It seems I have hit an all-time low. So, the wake-up call has been accepted and I began a prescribed workout regimen today. Its a 12-week program that should have me20 lbs. lighter by June when I make my way to California. I began with the Vital Statistics such as weight, waist, hips, thighs, and chest. Let me tell you, I've never been that scared by numbers in my life! I also took my "before" picture but that won't be shared for another 6 weeks at least. Today's workout was all about the cardio. So I busted out the sweatpants and danced like Ellen Degeneres to Michael Jackson's Thriller album. (Yes, I actually played the vinyl.) Anyway, I gave that my all for 20 minutes and then went on with my day. I am so out of shape but it turns out I can still do a one-handed cartwheel so thats a plus. Tomorrow will be a strength training day. We'll see how this works out but I see good things in the future, even if that means putting down the frosting container and picking up a bottle of water. Yuck!

The Littlest Toilet in the World

2006-01-30T16:36:00.000-05:00

Today I met Ryan and Amanda. Ryan is 6 and Amanda is 7 and they are the cutest kids I've ever met. Really.

Today I was a substitute for 1st and 2nd grade special ed. Wow, those kids are amazing. At their age, they still do not know their colors, have trouble remembering their alphabet, and have speech impediments making it hard to understand what they are saying. The day started with grooming. They have to use the bathroom and brush their teeth properly. In this department of the school, it is ok to open the door on a child on the toilet because you have to make sure they are doing it properly. Then after grooming we went into song and dance with the alphabet and "head, shoulders, knees, and toes." Before entering the classroom I hadn't thought that seven year olds wouldn't know their knees from their shoulders. After all that I had cafeteria duty so that was boring but after that I took Ryan to another class where he got to participate in a "regular" class. This is the only part of his day with other 1st graders. While there, I made a quick run to the bathroom.

And I used the littlest toilet in the world. This toilet came up to my mid-calf and I am only 4'8.

Anyway, after that it was snack time followed by a movie. Amanda, who is almost completely non-verbal, had new shoes on today and she decided to show everyone! And Ryan made a necklace with 100 fruit loops on it because today was the 100th school day so he wore it and walked around for the rest of the day with his chest out so everyone would see it. I fell in love with special ed...and this from someone who swore she'd never teach.

Howdy Ya'll

2006-01-23T10:02:00.000-05:00

If anyone is still reading, I have returned! Lots of changes have been made on my end so now that I'm settled in to my new life I thought I'd share a bit. Today, I'd like to show you where I live. For those who don't know I have moved to Texas. Yes, Texas! Floresville, Texas to be exact. Its a big change from Washington, DC or even from the suburb of Los Angeles I grew up in. Lets do a comparison, shall we?

Area:

Suburb of CA - 13.5 miles

Washington, DC - 61 miles

Floresville, TX - 4.75 miles

Population:

Suburb of CA - 72,200

Washington, DC - 572,059

Floresville, TX - 5,868

Most Common Smell You'll Encounter:

Suburb of CA - Smog

Washington, DC - Trash

Floresville, TX - Skunk

Demographics:

Suburb of CA - 78% Hispanic

Washington, DC - 60% Black

Floresville, TX - 81%

And finally, I don't have any pictures from the backyards of California or DC but I do have a couple pictures I took from my very own backyard in Floresville, Texas. Enjoy!

She Returns

2006-01-10T01:34:00.000-05:00

I took some time off from blogging. Actually I took some time off from everything. Now, I'm getting back to everything again.

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantee’s, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived likeI shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

Real posts begin tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Pink Magic

2005-12-18T18:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, so its been lightyears since I last posted and even this I must warn you will be a short one. It appears that I have something like strep. I went to the doctor and all they said was its not strep, here's some "pink magic,"(a mix of lidocaine , hydrocortisone, and Maalox) annndd a shot. In the butt... OUCH!

I have had a fever of 102 for 3 days and can't talk. Not true, I can talk but I sound like Kermit the Frog. My glands are swollen and green and its quite disgusting. I feel like crap. So if I haven't returned your call, or maybe even email...sorry. I sleep about 12 hours every day.

I'm supposed to be better tomorrow so maybe I'll get around to this post I came up with on my flight from Washington, DC to lovely San Antonio.

Until then, use listerine 3 times a day and maybe you can prevent this nastiness that I have.

Too Many Screen Names

2005-11-29T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'm attempting to give my friend a new online persona with a new screenname for AIM. I personally own 5 good names plus a few I can't remember so this shouldn't be too hard, right?

Every name is taken.

Why is GlowOfSilentTV taken? How about BrunoKirby? (the name of an actor from When Harry Met Sally) Taken!! Ok, let's try EatingatMidnight...gotta be taken...

SOLD! Its mine...great. That's the fattest screen name ever. Let's try again. Haha, NewYearNewMe is taken. That is straight from a Jenny Craig commercial!

Alright it looks like her new persona can either be EatingatMidnight or it can wait till another day when the match of creativity strikes me again. I've decided to stop because I just remembered my old screenname from high school and the password.

Here I am staring at my buddy list from 10th grade! I seriously stopped using this name junior year...wow. Looks like they all changed their names too, nobody is signed on. Could it be that 15 names belong to the same guy who I'm sure has forgetten them all? I feel like I just took a flashback pill. I had actually forgotten some of these people. Weird.

Well crap, now I've wasted all the time I have looking at my old name that I didn't come up with anything good for her. Oh well, a task for another day.

Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee!

2005-11-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to say today.

Instead I'll share pictures. Of me.

Enjoy!

**Sorry, I promise something more interesting will come soon**

Yes I'm Ready to Jump...

2005-11-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, finally here it is almost one week after its arrival. The long awaited review...

Starting with track one of course I was in love because it was "Hung Up" which I already had stuck in my head long before recieving the cd. The next few songs were great andbefore I knew it, I was half-way through the cd. The continuity of all the tracks makes this cd go by quickly. I was jolted out of my trance with the lyrics from "I Love New York" because I heard Madonna proclaim that she felt like a dork and that coincidentally rhymes with New York...hmm. At first I thought, oh no, I'm having flashbacks to her earlier attempt to rap with American Life. But then, as all Madonna songs do, it grew on me and I thought it was pretty damn good. A few tracks later I found my favorite song "Jump." In my opinion, this CD opens perfectly, cools for a bit before the climax (hehe), then ends cleanly with Like It or Not.

5 stars, 2 thumbs up, and a permanent home in the cd player.

Special Thanks to my brother for the perfect birthday gift.

Goddamm

2005-11-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

ITS HERE, ITS HERE, ITS HERE....

but the stupid post office man demanded an ID in order for me to get my own damn mail. ahh, well i'll just wait till the nice jewish boy returns for me to get my lovely new cd.

I shall return with my review as soon as they let me have it.

I <3 Photoshop and Madonna

2005-11-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

Today is November 15th...can anyone tell me what happens on November 15th??

The CD to your left has finally been released! YAY. Don't expect to hear the motherly, in love Madonna. Expect to hear flashbacks to the younger Madonna with the all-dance non-stop Confessions on a Dancefloor.

As soon as I get my hands on this cd I will let you know what my very biased opinion of it is.

Till then, have fun dancing queens!

Why's Bono So Green?

2005-11-10T18:57:00.000-05:00

All the U2 pics on J's blog lately have made me feel the need to post my favorite picture of my favorite member of U2. I love this picture of Bono all in green shades that don't exactly match! I stole it from here. Go there for tons of pics of awesome photos of each member of U2.

Don't Blame Me...It was the 90s! Pt. 1

2005-11-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

Ok so my last post brought back memories of my love for Scott Baio and other embarrasing moments the early 90s forced me to have. Here are the top ten most embarrasing things I owned.

1. Spice Girls - Spice

Ok, so this 1997 but still, I was in the 7th grade and the Spice Girls were still cool. This cd now goes for $.99 on amazon!

2. Ace of Base - The Sign

It was 1993 and I thought I was the shit dancing around to such classic hits as "Don't Turn Around" and "The Sign." I must admit I'm kind of tempted to buy this one again seeing as how its only a penny on amazon! Oh wait...I still have this one!! SWEET.

3. Hanson - Middle of Nowhere

Not only did 1997 give me the Spice Girls cd but it also graced me with the presense of 3 boys I swore were girls. Yes, I was a proud owner of this cd at one time. So were 371 other people who would love to toss this cd out on amazon.com for only a penny.

4. 3T - Brotherhood

So Michael Jackson has these nephews, Tito's sons, who decided they too knew how to sing. And so did I. Sadly, I'm almost positive I was their only fan but oh what a fan I was. Well, maybe I wasn't the only fan in 1995...its going for a whopping 69 cents on amazon.

5. Soul 4 Real - Candy Rain

1995 strikes again with a one-hit-wonder nobody remembers. 4 brothers, one who was prebuescent and one who was way too old for this shit...hmm sounds like a typical "boy" band. Anyway, this piece of crap I once loved is going for $2.10!

---Ok, so there were the first 5...not so bad, right? Here we go, lets head on down to the final 5!

6. Cher's Guide to Whatever - Clueless Movie

Something about 1995, that year was just embarrasing! This book was a so-called guide to everything important to Cher in the movie. You can see why its going for a penny on amazon.

7. Totally JTT - Jonathon Taylor Thomas Biography

I was obsessed with this raspy-voiced, blonde-haired, short, vegetarian boy who went to Chaminade High School. See, I told you I was obsessed! It was 1996 when this lovely book hit my shelf and now it goes for a penny.

8. Wilson Phillips - Self-Titled Tape

I remember this one on tape. Oh, those were the days. Rewind...shit, I went too far...Fast Forward...shit, I went too far! I was in love with this cd just like I was in love with Amy Grant and Baby, Baby. Don't blame me, it was 1990. I might just re-buy this on CD now since its only a penny.

9. MMC - Self-Titled CD

Long before JC joined N'Sync and Kerri Russel first dawned the sweater as Felicity, there was the Mickey Mouse Club and their singing group who preferred to be called MMC. The year was 1993 and I had the nerve to perform one of these lovely songs at the school talent show! Its a whole $2.99 on amazon!

10. Joey Lawerence - Self-Titled Tape

Ok, look. It was 1993, I was a fan of Blossom and Joey was cute.

Keep a lookout for part 2...its going to be even better.

I <3 Scott Baio

2005-11-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, so not much blogging can be done at the moment because I just don't feel like it. But I will offer you this as an apology. Results from quizzes I've taken...they are quite inciteful actually.

You Are 28 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

__________________________________________________________________

Your 80s Heartthrob Is:

Scott Baio

Who's Your 80's Heartthrob?

__________________________________________________________________

Which Golden Girl Are You?

A rose by any other name wouldn't be as sweet — or as funny. So maybe you didn't grow up on a dairy farm in good old St. Olaf, and you don't regale everyone with endless stories of back home. But like Rose Nylund, you've got a heart of gold and are a super sweetheart.A compassionate and sympathetic soul, you're a great friend who's always willing to lend an ear and a helping hand to your loved ones, strangers, and stray animals alike. The world is a better place because of you. So keep up your good deeds and positive attitude. It's a great addition to any scene

___________________________________________________________________

You've got a little bit of Chandler going on!

Could you be any more like Chandler? The most lovable wiseguy around, you've got more than a little Bing inside you, don't 'cha? Front and center in your Chandler-ness is that unstoppable wit, keeping everyone in stitches (or at least deflecting uncomfortable situations). And like the Chan-Chan man, you'd never leave your pals out in the cold. But your generosity is so inconspicuous that people often don't even notice it. Romantically, a soft, sweet, heart and charming, insecurity rule. You might, however, be held back from love by that nagging little fear of, well, growing up. Ya think? But, like the adorable Mr. Bing himself, it's just because you care so much and don't want to let anyone down.
Which "Friend" are You?

I Don't Know Why...

2005-10-29T16:12:00.000-04:00

I Don't Know Why
S. Colvin

I don't know why
The sky is so blue
And I don't know why
I'm so in love with you
But if there were no music
Then I would not get through
I don't know why
I know these things, but I do
I don't know why
But somewhere dreams come true
And I don't know where
But there will be a place for you
And every time you look that way
I would lay down my life for you
I don't know why
I know these things, but I do
I don't know why
But some are going to make you cry
And I don't know how
But I will get you by, I will try
They're not trying to cause you pain
They're just afraid of loving you
I don't know why
I know these things, but I do
I don't know why
The trees grow so tall
And I don't know why
I don't know anything at all
But if there were no music
Then I would not get through
I don't know why
I know these things, but I do
I don't know why
I know these things, but I do

A long, long time ago the lyrics to this song was sent to me in a letter from my favorite brother. Ever since then, I've loved this song and get it stuck in my head whenever I most need it.

BREAKING NEWS: They Closed Down the Pizza Hut Down the Street!!!!

2005-10-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

Ok fatties, time to get the phone books out and find another Pizza Hut.
Wait, who am I kidding. We all know that we were too fat to actually go to Pizza Hut and eat there, we just ordered in. Except I do recall one time that we got off the metro (P.H. was right next to the station) and we were so hungry that we had called our order in from the train a few stops away and then by the time we got there, we could pick it up. And since we were the last order of the night, we got free breadsticks added in. Those were the days of having excess money to feed our appetites in excess.
Well, its kind of sad but I mean, they did have that damn sign up saying "Driver's wanted: $10/hr and up" since the day I moved to DC until now...3 years and no takers doesn't sound good for business.

Speaking of jobs...I quit Starbucks.

It was time. My days with the coffee corporation are over and I am sad. Somewhat. I needed a change, it was getting too weird. I miss the free coffee, the regular customers, and some of the more interesting tasks. But mostly, I'm quite content with my decision. Now, I just need to replace that with a job. A real one. Or an internship. I need something. An income is necessary. I like the free time this lack of employment gives me though. But I do need some money.

Especially since I found out that my whole wardrobe save a few outfits has been trashed.

I left some boxes on campus over the summer because I had no way of taking them with me and they have all been trashed. So...I have 3 pairs of pants and about 5 shirts to my name. Hmm, I suppose being a minimalist would be a change for me. But it kinda sucks. Oh well, maybe I'll get some money soon so I can ransack a thrift store. Till then, I'll take good care of my 3 pairs of pants!

J-6 look-a-like!

2005-10-25T00:13:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I just took some new pictures of me with a digital...it was about time. I just thought I'd share with the class because it turns out that in some, I look like my brother...weird.

Here is a classic example of a pose he's used a few times. Maybe I don't look like him but we are obviously related, I'd say.

And something about this one reminds me of pics of him as well. Maybe I'm just off but I see the resemblance.

And one more where I just look like me...

Maybe you see it, maybe you don't. I'm certain of one thing though, you most likely do NOT think I look remotely close to being 21...oh well, I guess i don't mind being mistaken for a 12 year old boy...sometimes.

Name That!!

2005-10-12T11:02:00.001-04:00

Okie dokie kids, its time for Name That!!!
The wonderful game where I give a clue and you name that movie, song, or book!!
They are hard, but don't cheat!

Movies:
1) You know I have a theory that Hieroglyphics are really an ancient
comic strip about a character named Sphinxie

2) Yeah, I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fuckin' vampires outside trying to get inside and suck our fuckin' blood! That's it, plain and simple.

3) I wonder if every hero remembers their first punch.

Books:

1) Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

2) All warfare is based on deception.

3) I'm less than two months old and I'm tired of living

Songs:

1) But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Something's lost, but something's gained In living every day

2) So many years come and gone And yet the memory is strong One word we never could learn Good-bye.

3) Some days it don't come easy Some days it don't come hard Some days it don't come at all And these are the days that never end.

Have fun!

Let's Try Again

2005-10-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

It was time for a change

The whole world’s broke and it ain’t worth fixing It’s time to start all over, make a new beginning There’s too much pain, too much suffering Let’s resolve to start all over make a new beginning Now don’t get me wrong - I love life and living But when you wake up and look around at everything that’s going down -All wrong You see we need to change it now, this world with too few happy endings We can resolve to start all over make a new beginning. Start all over.
The world is broken into fragments and pieces That once were joined together in a unified whole But now too many stand alone - there’s too much separation We can resolve to come together in the new beginning Start all over.
We can break the cycle - we can break the chain We can start all over - in the new beginning We can learn, we can teach We can share the myths the dream the prayer The notion that we can do better Change our lives and paths Create a new world and Start all over.
We need to make new symbols Make new signs Make a new language With these we’ll define the world And start all over.

2005-09-20T11:33:00.000-04:00

It took me 10 minutes just to get re-aquainted with Blogger. And now that I'm here, what should I say?

I have something, I promise. Just let me catch lunch first.

I am Alive

2005-07-18T10:46:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I've been way too busy to even check email. I start work usually at 7:30 or 8 now which means leaving at 6:20. UGH. 7:30-4.

Anyways, I don't even have much time now so this is just an update to say I'm alive. Once I return from campus and from the Smithsonian where I have to study some art, I will give an honest-to god update.

Until Then,
Adios

Getting To Know Me...

2005-06-28T01:31:00.000-04:00

Its nearing 2006. I entered college in 2002 a gleaming, anxious, ready-to-take-over-the-world member of the class of 2006. It's almost 2006. I'm not exactly where I planned to be.

I began this 4-year trip with wide eyes, a naive heart, and a giant boyfriend who was just as naive to go with it.

I quickly learned that the ride would be rougher than expected and I'd have to drop off a few bags before I could pick up new ones. College is scary. I had my next 5 years planned and by the end of the first one nothing was on track, nothing had gone to plan. Coming back to Texas reminds me of the plan I once had. There are too many things here to remind me of my failures. Little things, big things. Things I don't regret letting go, but things I can't help but wonder about. I mean, can you blame me? A 4 year relationship isn't something that can be erased in a day, no matter what the circumstances are. I have no regrets, I'm happy. I'm more than satisfied though sometimes shocked when I take it all in.

I live in D.C...that's a LONG way away from Sylmar, California. All I ever knew up until 2002 was at least 3000 miles away and now much of it seems to have disappeared. When I think about it, not a single relationship I had back then has stayed the same. I've shown the obvious so I won't dwell on that one but take my parents for example. We've evolved in our relationship both for better and for worse. Another example is my extended family in general. I used to be the one who was very close to them all and now I'm becoming that distant cousin or niece no one hears from. I don't mind though I must say its rather strange. In particular I was extremely close to my cousin Miguel. We could talk for hours even at the age of 5 and 4. But now, we've grown apart. I mind a little but obviously not enough to pick up a phone. Of course the usual loss of high school friends happened but frankly I wasn't too big on high school friends to begin with so I can't say that I'm sad. I talk to one or two and I enjoy that.

Plans changed. Those plans changed me. I changed my relationships. And to think, all I planned on changing was the world.

Texas Finds

2005-06-23T11:46:00.000-04:00

Since I've been in Texas, I've found a lot of things.

First I found a few awesome things at the Goodwill Outlet Center. This is the thrift store of all thrift storeswith bigger discounts than you could believe. I found a collection of 4 hardcover 1st edition books by Winston Churchill on World War II. Then I found the best find ever found at the Goodwill. I found a Polaroid Model 100 camera complete with its case, book, and even film!! This camera is the coolest camera ever made. Sure the batteries are hard to find and the film when I run out will be hard to find as well but still, its worth it.
Ok, then I came home and was looking through pictures. Now when I was a kid, I'm talking like under 5, I used to make this scrunched up face for the camera everytime they took my picture. A little weird I know, but that was my trademark. Anyway, I found a picture of my brother when he was 4 making the exact same face. If you had merged the two pics into 1 we actually would have looked like twins.
Then, while at the Aveda Institute getting a pedicure and facial (a post for another day) I found that I was also in need of a haircut. My hair is short but its getting a little too shaggy so I'm going in for a haircut today. I sure hope they don't cut too much off but if they do I have plenty of hats. I'll write a blog about the haircut once I get it and if I like it, I might just post pics!
Ok, speaking of which it is time to go get my hair cut!

****EDIT: I completely forgot about a few other finds I was going to add to the list.
I also found a pair of shoes (Kids size 2!) that are Red/Silver with Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow lights on the entire bottom! I'm so excited they are my new favorite pair. While in the kids section, I also decided that since I already wear kids shoes and socks, kids shirts in size 10, and boys pants in size 10, I should also get some kids underwear. So, I picked up some kids underoos with polka dots and stripes (yes, I resisted temptation to get the once with pom poms and cheer signs on them).
By the way, for anyone who doesn't know me I must clarify that no, I am not a midget! I'm just short and small. Yes, I am 20 and yes, I am fully grown!!!

Greetings from Tejas

2005-06-21T01:05:00.000-04:00

After 7 hours of airport hell I finally landed in 92 degrees of big aerosol can hair and belt buckles the size of my head. So far its good. But I've only been here 2 hours.
Last night, after getting off of work around 10 or so I hurried home to get my bags together and then ran off to Baltimore to see my girlfriend for the first time in over a week...and to see her before leaving for over a week! But it was worth it, we stayed up (why the hell would I go up there just to sleep!), had croissants for breakfast, went for a walk at dawn, and had a grand time before driving back to DC to catch my flight.
Yes, I said we drove back to DC...I left out of Reagan she lives in Baltimore. Bah! But it worked out.
But as you can see I arrived safe and sound. As we pulled up to the house I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I didn't want to return. I wished I didn't have to go in but obviously I had no choice. I was anxiously awaiting a greeting from my dogs who would no doubt wiggle their way up to the door and then one in particular would lick me to death the minute I stepped in...

Only, for the first time in maybe 6 or 7 years, there would only be one dog to greet me. No more licks on the face, no more dog lying in the middle of the hallway on her back just having a good ol' time by herself, and no more snores from another room from a dog that I took a million pictures of everytime I saw her.
Pictures of Jamie have covered my dorm for the past 3 years. She, like me in my younger days, was a ham for the camera. The instant I looked at her through the lens she posed. Sometimes reserved, sometimes exuberant, but always beautiful.
Why couldn't she just wait to let me see her one more time?? I guess nature can take what it gives us and I'm sure she's happy still. She's probably playing with all the other fat dogs and eating anything she wants...and now, she doesn't even have to worry about that rear end of hers getting bigger!
I can't believe losing a dog hurts this much but I think the surprise of it all is the kicker.

Jamie was my first love and being here makes me miss her even more than I already did. But Jeffrey got so excited when he saw me and even though he was grumpy with her, he too misses my Jamie.

Lyric of the Day:
She's got herself
A little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when
Earth shall be as one
And I feel
Like I just got home

And finally...she returns.

2005-06-11T03:46:00.000-04:00

So its been awhile since I last posted but I figured its been long enough.

To all those who have been calling my cell and have begun the search party for me...I am safe and sound and in Baltimore. I've been here since the horrible mishap of the Kidney stone but shall return shiny and new to good ol' DC tomorrow morning. The lack of phone-age is due to the lack of a phone charger as this long of a stay was quite unexpected (but very welcomed)...yeah, try explaining to your mom why you can only talk briefly so she won't ask too many questions of my whereabouts.

Speaking of which, the girlfriend is upstairs sleeping but I couldn't sleep so I came down to make my post. We have rolls and rolls (ok, 3) of film to develop so hold out for some pics coming soon. She leaves for Hampton, VA tomorrow only to return in a week...then I leave the next day for Texas. You can see now why the extended stay here was necessary.

So...Texas. I must admit, I look forward to a visit home. Its only for a week so that eliminates *some* chance of fighting. Plus a week off of work is always welcome.

Change of subject: I miss choir. I miss singing. I miss theory. Basically, I miss music. I kind of dropped it at the door when I dropped that part of my life at the door. When I gave up something I loved, I didn't mean to give up everything I loved. I need music back so I think I will try to spend some time on the piano at my parent's house. Thats about all I can do right now. The theory is gone from my head, at least without a refesher. And these vocal cords are so cold nothing pretty is emerging anytime soon. But I least I still remember how to fake the piano. I'll play the same old song I always play that makes everyone think I'm playing something real. And maybe someday I'll actually write it out.

Well, its 3am and if the little lady wakes up and sees me gone she'll wake up way too grumpy for me to handle so I'd better return soon.

Lyric of the Day:
Nobody stopped to hear him Though he played so sweet and high They knew he had never Been on their t.v. So they passed his music by I meant to go over and ask for a song Maybe put on a harmony...I heard his refrain As the signal changed He was playing real good, for free.

This post and lyric dedicated to a day 7 years and 4 months before I was born. This day gave me a brother with only 1 flaw...he lives 3000 miles away. : (

Epilogue:
As I was thinking about your birthday I was thinking about growing up. Seeing as how you are 7 years and 4 months older than me, I know we both had times where we felt like (or actually were) only children. We've never been at the same place in our lives at the same time. I mean I was 7 when you started high school and 11 when you started college. And when you were my age, I was barely starting high school! We always had that age gap, I guess that doesn't ever change. But I'm glad that the relationship gap we sorta-kinda had for awhile has finally gone away. The gap now is only in miles. So here you go, a list of things I think of when I think of you, my brother.

I remember how you used to take my cabbage patch doll "Betty Adele" and scratch her head on the cieling so that she had white marks on her bald black head.
I remember how you got mad when I went into your bathroom to try and play with your action figures.
I remember how you'd roll me up in the blankets and make me into a burrito.
I remember jumping on Mom and Dad's bed and pretending we were "superman."
I remember how you hated Little League.
I remember how much I wanted to join!
I remember playing some weird monkey and banana throwing game with you on the Windows Tutorial all the time.
I remember how you left for the seminary and me accidentally telling people you went to the cemetary.
I remember going to see Batam Returns at the drive-in with you and Dad--and I fell asleep.
I remember going to see Star Wars with you and your friends at CityWalk--and I fell asleep.
I remember having to sit next to you, right in the center seat of the car when we went on that loop to get to our other grandma's house because I was too scared of how high we were.
I remember you and your friends staying up way past my bedtime to watch the Simpsons and have Poker Night.
I remember bringing home my first date and you and like 7 of your friends all sitting there to greet him as he came in.
I remember you coming to my plays.
I remember feeling grown-up when you'd let me hang out with you and your friends.
I remember always borrowing your cds and always forgetting to return them.
I remember you being the only person I'd talk to sometimes at family functions.
And I remember a hell of a lot more but I think you get the point.

Thanks for being the best brother I could have possibly had for the last 20 years and 8 months.

and oh yeah...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Puella est Pulchra

2005-05-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

Trans: The Girl is Pretty

I have begun teaching myself Latin.
This will be a daunting task, I know, but being a history major it was going to be Latin or French and you know me, always going for the rarest choice possible. I don't know much yet but its fun. Its my summer subject. The only problem I have with the language is that there is no letter J in Latin. By the end of my Latin book, I should be able to read Latin and translate roughly.

Also on my list of things to do this Summer:
-Start thinking about life beyond college...
-Enjoy my 1 week in Texas (1 week, I can do 1 week)
-Get picture ready for my next tattoo
-Develop about 3 roles of film
-Buy a new disc-man
-Get my license

---

So Starbucks has signed a *new* group to their new record label. Anyway, their name is Antigone Rising and you have to watch their special on VH1, I think its on June 1st. They are amazing. Jay 6 and BF need to check out song #13. Anyway, while you do that I have to go catch my bus.

This post brought to you by the letter J.
The J Word of the Day is "juxtapose."

P.I.G.S.

2005-05-26T10:58:00.000-04:00

After a short hiatus in order to move from the dorm to the apartment, I have returned.

Yesterday, I went to IHOP with 3 of my friends. This reminds me that maybe it is time I introduce you to my friends.
I am a founding member of the Phat International Girl's Society. The "Fat Girls" as we most often call ourselves were founded in 2003 by the four "original phat girls." We now have a select few honorary members. The Society was founded in the Cafeteria of Trinity College with a purpose and a few rules.
Statement of Purpose:
In a society where being fat is shunned and made fun of, we embrace "phatness" in every form it is in. We do not promote eating disorders, simply a love for food. In our society, food is your friend, not the enemy. We eat because we love food. To us, meals are social events therefore we make every effort to meet up for lunch or dinner as often as possible. (IHOP tends to be our first choice of restaurants)
Now for the Rules:

IF you feel like having seconds, have seconds. (No guilt about eating!)
Whoever you date must be PHAT (in other words, they must love food)
NO counting calories (counting sodium or sugar for health reasons is allowed!)
NO fad-diets (no atkins, south beach, etc.)
Have dessert. (It doesn't have to be unhealthy, just enjoy your meal)
Only binge on special occassions- all-nighters, celebrations, break-ups, etc.
NO purging

Of the four founding members, none of us are obese or anorexic. Weight is NOT what we are talking about here, its all about food! In fact, we are all athletes of at least one if not more than one sport. And, of the four original fat girls, we have two vegetarians and a vegan. Of course we don't always have dessert or avoid fad diets but the point is that we try and we accept the fact that Food is our Friend!

I Saw You

2005-05-14T23:16:00.000-04:00

You know the section of local papers, not national papers but city papers, where they have dating ads. Ok, well have you seen the sections where they are I Saw You's??? You know, people see people out somewhere and then put an ad saying "hey, I SAW you!!"
Well, being the people watcher I am, I am starting a sorta-section of my blog called:

Should-be I Saw You's

Ok, boy #1 is standing at the condiment bar fixing his grande latte to his heart's desire. Boy #2 walks up and tries to pass him to also use the condiment bar but Boy #1 turned right into Boy #2...
So, Boy #2 puts his hand on Boy #1's shoulder and says 'that's alright' while giving him a very deep look. Boy #2 walks out but has that 'oh my god, you're hot' look on his face.
I have a feeling Boy #2 will put an ad in the I Saw Yous, it should go like this:

you: 20-something latte drinker in tight blue sleeveless shirt
me: older 20-something iced coffee drinker in khaki shorts and t-shirt
where: 14th and P Street Starbucks
I ran into you once, can I run into you again?

Wait, I Thought J-Lo Was the Monster...

2005-05-14T09:11:00.000-04:00

So after being commanded to go see the movie Monster in Law by my parents who had free sneak preview passes to see it last week, I went. I figured I'd give it a shot, afterall, it did star Michael Vartan. Yes, I know you were expecting me to say the other one who has walked down the aisle more times than she's walked into the tanning booth but I never could resist a tall white guy!
Anyway, there were some notable scenes where you couldn't help but laugh and some scenes you wondered if you were supposed to laugh. Jennifer Lopez, who I admit to liking in some roles wasn't so bad this time. Michael Vartan, though nice to look at, was at times annoying and for being a doctor, his character was not the brightest. Jane Fonda (and her sidekick Wanda Sykes) were great at fighting the force that is J-Lo.
Overall I give it a B-

My only readers tagged me...

2005-05-12T00:52:00.000-04:00

I have no one to pass this on to but I'll play as if I do!

Here are the rules: Pick 5 occupations out of the list and complete the phrase. Add a couple of your own occupations to the end of the list and then pass it on to at least 3 people.
The List:
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime (by Garrison)
If I could be a domestic engineer (by Rick)
If I could be a chimney sweep (by laine)
If I could be a masseuse (by laine)
If I could be a taxi driver (by Brian)
If I could be a priest (by Brian)
If I could be a window cleaner (by Grace)
If I could be a gynecologist (by Grace)
If I could be a world leader...(by Scott)
If I could be a healer...(by Scott)
If I could be a proctologist...(by Dave)
If I could be a carpenter...(by Dave)
If I could be a reality-tv star...(by jason)
If I could be a go-go boy... (by jason)
If I could be a PR rep... (by Matty McMattMatt)
If I could be a fireman... (by Matty McMattMatt)
If I could be a vampire...(JaySix)
If I could be a dog...(JaySix)
If I could be a photographer...(ImaMadonnaFreak)
If I could be a phone sex operator (ImaMadonnaFreak)

If I could be a mime...I would go to mime conventions and just start singing loudly in the best vibrato I can muster up.
If I could be a chimney sweep...I would use my best english accent and dance like this.
If I could be a farmer...I'd only grow hybrids. Homogonous fruit is boring.
If I could be a masseuse...I'd have a clause in my contract saying "no hairy backs."
If I could be a healer...I'd tell everyone I gave them a "bonus" heal and healed them of that deadly disease they didn't know they were going to have in 10 years.

Why I Love D.C.

2005-05-09T07:33:00.000-04:00

DC is beautiful <-- The view from my freshman dorm
DC is a college town <-- Soo many colleges, sooo little space
DuPont <-- I see this almost daily
DC is gay
Metro <-- The best system
DC is cheap <-- Where else can you find free museums??
Logan Circle <-- Where I work
For meat eaters, Bens Chili Bowl <-- Must-Eat when visiting DC
DC is music <-- All the best people play here
DC is theatre <-- 1 block from my work

I <3 DC

Lyric of the Day:

the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lightsAnd send the autos swerving into the loneliest eveningAnd i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

2005-05-05T01:17:00.000-04:00

Hello and welcome to the first episode of the J-Word. I'll be your host, narrator, and of course, main character.

Background:
I'm 20 years old and I'm a college student in DC. My major is history and my minor is women. Umm, I mean "women's studies." I'm a dyke. I'm such a dyke that my hair right now is in this akward growing stage and its just like Shane from the L-Word at the beginning of Season 2. Yes, Shane is hot. But this hair was a faux pas. And yes, I have it.

Lyric of Today:
and we hold these truths to be self evident: #1 george w. bush is not president #2 america is not a true democracy #3 the media is not fooling me cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation i've got no room for a lie so verbose i'm looking out over my whole human family and i'm raising my glass in a toast